All of Siberia is counting down the days until summer. The raw sewage is beginning to thaw, the ground is nearly soft enough to bury our winter dead and Siberian maidens are busy in the vats, their bare feet stomping on potatoes to make our famous vodka. Ahh, life is good in the frigid wastelands.

Famous American group, The Eagles, played Moscow last month, and yours truly traded five pairs of Levis and one reasonably healthy pig for the honor of meeting the band. I asked band which one of them was Don Felder. That’s when Joe Walsh laughed and Don Henley punched me in the mouth.

I ask band if they would ever consider playing Siberia. I tell them that if great American band like The Eagles play Siberia, soon every famous act like Status Quo, Boy Hits Car and B.B. King will want to play our sub-arctic vacation wonderland. I tell them that the band could be first act to play in our new Yovanna Freezyertesticalsov Amphitheatre. Henley said band will play when “hell freezes over.” I reminded him that he once said that back in the 80s when asked if the band would ever play again, and does that mean I should expect them in another 16 years? That’s when Walsh laughed and Glenn Frey punched me in the stomach.

I tell them about negotiations to bring Madonna to Siberia. I ask Glenn Frey if he knew her since both of them are from northern area in U.S. known as “Michigan,” which is like Siberia except they have more Levis and healthier pigs. I ask them if they know Adema or Angelique Kidjo. I ask them who is better songwriter, Henley or Frey. Walsh answers that he is better songwriter. That’s when Henley and Frey hit Walsh, before pounding me in chest and groin.

Needless to say, I had fabulous time with The Eagles. Many of you perceive them as gigantic American rock stars like Tony Orlando or Donny Osmond, but they are really sensitive songwriters who just want to play their music for their fans. I was reminded of that while Walsh laughed as Frey and Henley kicked me in the head, spine and buttocks before they tossed me from their moving limousine. Yes, they really know how to party.

And that is all the news from Mother Russia. This is Siberian correspondent, Igor Petrov, signing off. Does anyone have a Band-Aid?