Our dogs want to take over the world.

You see, they want all the concerts, like Prodigy and Roxy Music, for themselves. They want to hang with , run with Monte Montgomery and spend countless hours licking themselves while watching Kathy Mattea and Blueground Undergrass. Please, for the love of humanity, heed my warning before it’s too late!

I first became aware of the growing discontent among the canine world while watching two dogs play with one of those “sqeaker” toys so popular amongst the Fido set. At first, I thought the squeaking was random, but after closer examination, I realized that the first dog was varying the squeaks in order to speak to the second dog via Morse Code! The message? “After we lock the humans in the backyard, we’ll take their tickets and go see Jimmy Buffett and David Lee Roth.”

Frightening, isn’t it?

Consider this a call to arms, a warning, a harbinger of things to come. For if we don’t put our dogs in their places, the Keeshonds, the Golden Retrievers, the German Shepherds, and yes, even the Japanese Chins will rise up against us. They’ll be sitting pretty at shows by Cheap Trick, Guttermouth and Bill Wyman & The Rhythm Kings, barking and licking while us humans are tied up in our own backyards, baying at the moon and wondering how it all came to be.

What can you do? Copy this column and email it to all your friends. For if we act together we can keep our tickets for concerts by U2 and Madonna to ourselves. We’ll show those four-legged mutts what humans are made of. That we’re more than just food providers. We are the masters. We are the rulers. We’ll spread the word that humanity will not be fooled, subjugated, enslaved, nor incarcerated by our drooling, big-nosed, furry-brained friends. We’ll shout it out from the highest rooftops and ride through the cities proclaiming the impending invasion by the canine kingdom.

But first I have to wait until my dog is finished with the computer. He gets awfully snappy when I interrupt him while he’s looking up dates for Snoop Dogg, and I’ve already lost three fingers this week.