“Right. A stooge. Can you tell me about your job history?”

“Sure. I spent 99 and 2000 working for Bruce Springsteen. I was the one planted in the audience who tossed him a towel midway through his set. Perhaps you saw that HBO special? It was some of my best work.”

“Good pay?”

“Scale for a stooge, plus full medical and dental.”

“Who else have you worked for?”

“I held the usual song-request position for several tours, including Eric Clapton and Janet Jackson. I’m the guy who’s sitting in the first few rows. To the audience, it looks like I’m shouting out a request. The performer pretends to hear me, then plays the song, causing the crowd to go nuts because it appears that the artist is playing a spontaneous request.”

“Too bad you didn’t come in earlier. I filled that position for The Samples, Speedealer and Iffy just last week.”

“Are you saying that there’s nothing available?”

“No, Mr. Johnson, not at all. Let’s see… I have a position with Oasis for a rowdy fan. The idea is, that after security beats you into submission, the audience will think twice about throwing anything at the band.”

“I don’t think that’s the job for me. I worked with them back in 96. Didn’t get along with Liam, if you don’t mind my saying so.”

“Well, I do have one more job to fill. The Go-Go’s are looking for a ‘boy toy’ for their upcoming tour. Belinda Carlisle needs a man to sing a love song to. She’ll pluck you from the audience, and seductively sing to you while the rest of the band fawns all over you. Is that something that would interest you, Mr. Johnson?”

“Hmmm. I don’t know. Is there any nudity involved? I get double the rate for topless. Triple for full-frontal.”

“Local laws apply.”

“Let me see if I got this straight. I’ll tour with the Go-Go’s. Every night Belinda will pick me from the audience and sing to me while the rest of the ladies in the band touch me all over my body.”

“Right. They’ll stroke, caress, feel, fondle and rub. It’s called the ‘fan sandwich’ position. The tour starts in St. Paul. Do you have any questions?”

“Just one.”


“Are there any benefits?”