“What? You aren’t satisfied with your seats for Eric Clapton? Look, lady, there are 20,000 tickets for that show. Someone’s gotta sit in the last row, it just happens to be you . Sheesh, get a life, will ya?

“Uh? You think the tickets for are too expensive? No one’s pointing a gun to your head and marching you down to Ticketmaster. You wanna play, you gotta pay. Cripe, people like you are going to be the death of me yet. It’s always ‘gimme, gimme, gimme, isn’t it? Sometimes I don’t know why I even let people like you buy my tickets.

“What’s that? You just bought tickets for 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts and you want to meet Russell Crowe after the show? Yeah, you and every woman from here to Fresno. I suppose you want to shake his hand and get his autograph too. Hear that? That’s the clue phone ringing and I think it’s for you.

What is it with you? Every day you call me and complain. There’s just no satisfying you. If you’re not whining about obstructed view seats for *NSYNC, then you’re griping about service charges for Stevie Nicks and Bryan Adams. Like, who died and made you the concert queen?

“Yeah, alright. I’ll see if I can upgrade you for and Lynyrd Skynyrd, but that’s the last time I’ll ever do you any favors. From now on you’ll take your chances at the ticket outlet just like everybody else. You’re lucky I even let you buy my tickets.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You’re disappointed in the service. Like I care. You’re just another butt in the seat for the Counting Crows as far as I’m concerned. Uh, you don’t like my attitude? Hah! My attitude isn’t for you to like. After all, I’m Big Bob, the biggest concert promoter in the state, and if you don’t wanna buy my tickets you can just spend the rest of your days watching cheap cover bands doing Uriah Heep songs down at the Dew Drop Inn.

“Oh, yeah? Well, same to you, girlie. Well, gotta run. I’d like to tell you it’s been a pleasure, but that would be lying. But there is one more thing I want to mention…

“Say ‘hi’ to Dad for me, will ya? Yes, I love you too, Mom.”