Not to worry. We’ve spent the remaining $45.7 million we received from that venture capitalist we slammed tequila shooters with after an Incubus concert, and invested it in the finest research available. Yes, we’ve found a new business model, a modus operandi that is guaranteed to generate the income needed to freely display the dates for bands like Dead Moon and Everclear. What’s more, it’s based on a tried and true Web economic system.

That model is Web porn.

Take the new dates for Mike Watt And The Jom & Terry Show, for example. They were prepared by operator #181, who sat partially nude in the data entry pit while covered with whipped cream, strawberries, and a slice of eggplant. The dates for Suplecs were processed by operator #401 while reciting the lyrics to Eminem’s latest CD. And for those of you whose tastes are, shall we say a bit more exotic, the dates for Rollins Band were proofed, entered, than proofed again, by operator #713, who accomplished this while completely naked and squirming in the chair after consuming a hefty meal of burritos and cabbage.

Because some of you might find yourselves wanting more than just the hedonistic actions of our workers, we have a “members only” section available for a small monthly fee. Your eyes will jump out of their sockets and your heart will skip more than a few beats as you watch our shameless tour date processors get naked and discover the different ways they can touch the keyboards in order to enter dates for Toilet Boys, Tierney Sutton and Stewart and Winfield.

By now you’re probably asking, “Does the answer to the ever-shrinking dot-com economy lie in naked tour date processors, people who are prepping the schedules for Sense Field and Juvenile while posing in unspeakable positions, letting it all hang out and showing off to the world the gifts God gave them? Is this the price in order to access concert dates for Neil Diamond, Lennon and Johnny Rivers? Has it really come to this?”

You bet. Plus, as an extra bonus, it’s really livened up our break times and lunch hours, not to mention our afternoon games of Twister.

And them’s the bare facts.