You’re not alone. According to the latest unscientific survey, 99.141 percent of all Pollstar.com users would rather give Marilyn Manson a piggyback ride than roll out of bed on the first day of the workweek.

We know how you feel, for there was a time at Pollstar.com that Mondays were as despised as a last minute postponement of a Janet Jackson or Stevie Nicks concert. But that’s in the past. Now we can’t wait for Mondays. In fact, our employers have had to hire armed guards to keep us from reporting to work early. That’s how much we love Mondays.

Of course, the champagne breakfasts help. A Monday morning looks entirely different when we’re slamming in dates for Savatage and The Damned in between sips of the bubbly. And don’t forget the pastries. The finest cakes, ladyfingers and croissants are delivered to our workstations each and every Monday morning, along with a crisp $100 bill. It’s just management’s way of showing that “they care.”

However, we do understand that not everyone can appreciate Mondays as much as we do. That’s why we’re willing to provide tour schedules for bands like Wilco, Cracker and Ray Davies to each and every person who hates Mondays. We believe that once you realize that we’re spending our Mondays stuffing our faces with eclairs and guzzling champagne while entering dates for Dismemberment Plan and Tori Amos, you’ll come to love Mondays for what they are: A time for you to work while we attempt to take debauchery within the workplace to the next level.

So while you’re putting your collective noses to the proverbial grindstone, cheer up. You don’t need to have fun while you work in order to enjoy your job. You don’t need to feel any inner sense of self worth while you’re schlepping through a nine-to-five existence. That’s what we’re here for. You do the work, we’ll have the fun.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we need to refill our glass. Besides, shouldn’t you be working?