She blinked into our offices unannounced, bringing dates for The Juliana Theory and Mesh. “Here,” she said. “You must publish these schedules, along with the changes for and Ky-Mani Marley. Millions of innocent lives are at stake.”

“What is it this time?” we asked. “Famine? Pestilence? Earthquakes?”

“Nothing like that,” she responded. “This is serious. If you don’t publish the tour schedules, the world won’t be able to stave off the coming economic collapse.”

“You mean the recession is going to get worse?” we asked her.

She shook her head. “It has nothing to do with the stock market,” she said. If you don’t publish these tours, plus the dates for Fear Factory and the , the Recording Industry will win a major copyright lawsuit in 2006.”

“Really? Who did they, I mean, who will they sue?”

“Every man, woman and child in the United States. The dollar becomes worthless. Now that I think of it, you might want to publish Chris Smither and . Every little bit helps.”

“If paper money is worthless in the future, what do you use for currency?”

“Concert tickets.”


“After the economy crashed and burned, concert tickets were the only thing left that held any real value. In 2013, President Ricky Martin will appoint the first ‘Secretary of Ticketmaster.'”

“Sounds gloomy.”

“Oh, it will be. Eddie Vedder will have to quit Pearl Jam to take the position. Conflict of interest, you know.”

“But we can prevent this from happening if we publish these tour schedules?”

“We can only hope. Oh, I almost forgot. You better print the these dates for The Knack and Vince Neil.”

“Also the depression?”

“Not exactly, but it is related. Publishing those tours may prevent the parking meter revival of 2015.”

“You have parking meters in the future?”

“Yes, and that reminds me. I have to get back to the future and feed the meter before my hovercraft is towed away. By any chance do you have change for a pair of Willie Nelson tickets?”