From: The CEO

To: All Employees

Recent economic developments have forced us to trim the proverbial fat. Last night, after seeing the U2 concert from the company’s corporate skybox, I reluctantly realized that some changes must be made. Therefore, it is with a sad heart that I must announce layoffs in sections B and D.

I am also sad to report that sales are down. While discussing my travel plans to see Janet Jackson in Japan next January, our chief operations officer noticed that sales have dropped over 75 percent despite last quarter’s decision to make all salespeople furnish their own cell phones and receipt books. Therefore, effective immediately, all commissions are being reduced by 50 percent. Unfortunately, even with these cuts, there will only be enough money for me to see two Roger Waters concerts in South America next year.

But I do have some good news. I am happy to report that our home office supply program has resulted in a 40 percent savings. Yes, because of loyal employees like you bringing your own paper clips, staplers and computers from home, I can now afford to see Kylie Minogue in Paris, Judas Priest in Copenhagen, and M.S.G. in Sauget. As an added bonus, our one-wipe bathroom policy means that I can, once again, buy front row seats for Destiny’s Child in Berlin and David Gilmour in London. Go ahead, pat yourselves on the back for that one, ladies and gentlemen. You’ve earned it.

Finally, I’ve heard some talk behind my back about how the company is supposedly going broke. Do you have any idea how I feel when I hear rumors like that? I was so depressed that I almost cancelled my plans to see Bjork in Rome next month.

Let me make this perfectly clear, people. The economy may be soft, but if we all work together we can pull through these bad times. And remember, I’m counting on you to hold down the fort when I’m off seeing Eric Clapton and Elton John. We’re a team, dammit, and above all else, I want you to remember this one simple thing;

There is no “I” in team.