Yeah, that’s right. Someday I’ll make all the big decisions, like buying tickets for The Waterboys and Candy Snatchers. Someday I’ll call the shots. Just you watch.

And I’m going to have my own place. A real man’s pad where I can invite my friends over to party after seeing great shows like BlackHawk and Bela Fleck & The Flecktones. And there won’t be anyone telling me that the stereo is too loud and my friends are too rowdy. None of that “turn that music down!” crap. I can hardly wait. I’ll be as loud as I wanna be.

And I’ll cover my bedroom with posters. I’ll have Brian Wilson hanging over my bed, Guttermouth and Slipknot on the walls and maybe even a big Ozzy Osbourne poster hanging from the ceiling. I’m going to do all that because that’s what being a man is all about. Being your own boss and not taking any lip from anyone. That’s a man.

And I’ll have my own car. A real muscle machine that I can drive to see Oysterband, Disturbed and Clutch. I’ll have the baddest stereo system you ever saw. Four, no, make that eight speakers, with really big woofers. And I’ll have bumper stickers for all my favorites like Hellbenders and Dismemberment Plan. Yeah, it’s gonna rock.

And I’m gonna stay out all night. None of this “You can’t go out on a weeknight” or “you have to get up early tomorrow” b.s. Heck, no. Someday my evenings will be nothing but blink-182, and Jimmy Eat World. I’m gonna rock and roll all night and party every day.

Yeah, someday I’m gonna be on my own. There won’t be anyone telling me that I can’t afford Handsome Family or that I can’t stay out late for Dick Dale and Dishwalla. Yeah, some day I’ll blow this pop stand. I’ll have my own place, my own car, and no one is going to stand in my way. I’ll do what I want, where I want, and with whom I want. I’ll be the ultimate party animal. I’ll be king of the world. I’ll be a man!

But first I need a good divorce lawyer. Any suggestions?