“Thank you, Don Pardo. What’s up for today?”

“Well, CC, our first caller is Susan from Road Kill, Arkansas.”

“Hi, Susan. What seems to be the problem?”

“I just don’t know what to do, CC. My husband ran off with a Bobby Vinton groupie and left me with five hungry mouths to feed, a house that’s seven months late on the mortgage and a garage filled with worthless copies of Performance Magazine. What should I do?”

“It’s always sad when a marriage breaks up. Tell me, Susan, is there a Ticketmaster near you?”

“I think there’s one down at the Scrape & Feed Co-op.”

“Then run down there and buy some concert tickets. It’s been my experience that a good show, like Lee Ann Womack or Cyndi Lauper can definitely smooth over the emotional wounds brought about by a spouse deep-sixing his responsibilities.”

“Gee, thanks, CC.”

“Think nothing of it. Now go buy the right ticket. Our next caller is Robert from Re Boot, California. Re Boot, eh? What kind of name is that for a town?”

“This part of California was settled by Canadian missionaries during the early 1800s, CC. It’s British Columbianese for ‘Systems Crash Recovery.'”

“Really? What’s on your mind, Robert?”

“I’m the CEO of a small dot-com that’s just squandered over $5 billion in venture capital on advertising, co-branding and promotions, not to mention those private parties where we had Jaci Velasquez, U2 and Jimmy Sturr And His Orchestra play in our company cafeteria.”

“Sounds exciting. What does your company do, Robert?”


“What product or service does your company provide?”

“Er, nothing, CC, we’re a dot-com.”

“Oh, that’s right. How can I help you?”

“My accountants tell me we’re down to our last billion dollars and I’m going to have to lay off 99.9 percent of our workforce.”

“Oooh, that’s tough, Robert.”

“You’re telling me, CC. I haven’t been able to sleep for days. What should I do?”

“Well, Robert, when I was in private practice, booking corporate events for eToys, Webvan and Napster, I found that nothing eases a CEO’s doubts and fears more than a couple of good seats for Paul Young.”

“Hmmm, I was thinking more along the lines of Mel Tillis, Deep Purple or that Method Man / Redman co–headline. I just wish I could be sure.”

“Listen, Robert, there are only three sure things in life. Death, taxes and…”

“Service charges!”

“I can tell you’re a long-time listener. Now go down to Ticketmaster and buy the right ticket. Who’s up next, Don?”

“Waiting on line three is a pop therapist from New York City, CC.”

“Not Dr. Laura, again. How many times do I have to solve her problems? Oh, look, we’re all out of time. Be sure to join us again tomorrow, folks. I’m ‘Clear Talkin’ Cal Carson, and remember, life may be cruel at times, but you’ll solve all your problems if you buy the right ticket.”