You’re not the first to ask this question. How do we keep on our feet, day in and day out, entering dates for Jamiroquai, Holly Dunn and Finch? Would you believe that some people think we gulp vitamins, drink milk or mainline Jolt Cola? However, reality isn’t nearly as satisfying as some people’s fantasies, and there’s a simple answer for how we manage to keep alert around the clock as we research tour info for bands like Catch 22 and The Vandals. And no, we don’t rely on any magical elixir or truck stop pick-me-up.

We eat pork.

Lots and lots of pork. Everyone knows that you can never have too much pig. That’s why we start each day with a generous handful of pork rinds and a cup of West Virginia’s finest ham drippings as we inspect the latest dates for Larry Gatlin and Lacy J. Dalton. We enter changes for Lennon while munching a batch of hog jowls, add dates for Brooks & Dunn while chewing Piggly’s Spearmint gum, and we slam in the new tour for Alabama while sucking down the most succulent pig knuckles this side of hog heaven. Yes, a day without pork is like a day without… er…well… Pork!

In fact, management believes in the power of pork so much that they recently hired a chef who specializes in pork entrees for the music industry. For example, earlier this week we pigged out on hot sausage balls ala Ozzy, we went hog wild for his sweet & sour pork ala Britney and we couldn’t get enough of his Kevin ala Bacon. Yes, life is good when you have plenty of pork.

However, there is one fly in the oinkment. For you see, as good as our chef is, he’s incredibly slow. Take today, for instance. We’ve been making changes in the Slipknot schedule and adding those German dates for Kylie Minogue, and believe you me, after all that hard work we are definitely ready for our pork. But is it ready? Heck, no! A stubborn man is our chef, and he insists that great pork, like a great symphony, cannot be rushed. Like, who does he think he is? Hamadeus? And no matter how much we squeal, he just won’t pick up the pace. He even claims that our feelings of weakness and hunger are pigments of our imaginations.

But worst of all, he says he will serve no swine before its time.