“Coming right up, Harve. Say, what happened to you? You look a mess.”

“Yeah, well it’s been a long weekend.”

“I guess. You wanna talk about it?”

“It all started Wednesday night. I was coming out of the supermarket after picking up a few last minute items for the big turkey day, when I ran into Ozzy.”


“Who else? Anyway, we got to talking, and he mentions that he’s on his way to a little party and he asks if I want to tag along.”

“Did you?”

“Oh, sure. I mean, if there’s anybody on this planet who knows how to party, it’s the Ozz-man. So he takes me to this little private club. You know, one of those places where ‘anything goes.'”

“I think I read about those clubs in Penthouse Forum. Then what happened?”

“Well, the place is filled with rock stars. There’s Rob Zombie sitting at a table in the corner.”

“Zombie? Ain’t he co-headlining with Ozzy?”

“Uh, uh. But you wouldn’t know it that night. He and Ozzy had a bit of a row. You see, Ozzy kept harping on Rob’s interpretation of Neo-Platonism. Said it was merely an offshoot of Hellenistic syncretism.”

“Ozzy said that?”

“Yep. That’s when Rob called Ozzy’s latest thesis contending that all points of view are equally valid, a regurgitation of the same old Relativism movement b.s.”

“Whoa! Then what happened?”

“That’s when Serj Tankian butted in.”

“Serj? From System Of A Down?”

The one and only. He told them they were both full of it, and preceded to lecture them on the finer points of Eclecticism, including the Stoics like Panaetius and Philo of Larissa.”

“I’ll bet that didn’t go over too well with that bunch.”

“You got that right. Before long, everyone had jumped into the argument. On one side you had Kylie Minogue spouting off about her theory that Machiavelli was merely misunderstood. Then Elton John started yelling about Pythagoras. You know, all that stuff about combining mathematics with mysticism? I thought all hell was about to break loose.”

“I don’t blame you. Sounds like a real all-out brawl. Then what happened?”

“That’s when Sting walked in.”

“Oh, no.”

“You got it. Him and his British Empiricism. Really put a damper on the whole affair.”

“That’s so 17th centuryish.”

“You said it. Anyway, that’s when the party broke up. Thought I’d grab a beer before I went home, and here I am.”

“Wow! That’s some story. You wanna another beer?”

“Naw, I best be getting home for Thanksgiving dinner.”

“Uh? Wait a minute. Thanksgiving was four days ago. You’re a little late for dinner.”

“I don’t think so. Remember when I told you that it all started at the supermarket after I picked up a few last minute items?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“One of those items was the turkey.”