Not to worry.

You’ll be happy to know that your friends at have set up the most advanced, state-of-the-art laboratory to test each and every single concert ticket, whether it is for Britney Spears, Aerosmith or B.B. King. All you need do is send us your tickets. We’ll test them, and hopefully they will be free of any nasty little spores that intend to do your body harm.

Of course, some tickets may pose a higher risk than others. Our half-human, half-Vulcan IT officer, Ivan, has conducted a statistical analysis proving that 99.999 percent of all concert tickets sold are free of contaminants. However, there’s still that .001 percent that may cause trouble. Luckily, Ivan’s analysis also points to the tickets that are most likely to be infected.

For starters, Ivan’s analysis states that tickets for front row seats for such acts like Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young should be examined for any possible contaminants. If you have any of these tickets, it’s probably best to send those to us as soon as possible. Further studies claim that of all the front row tickets available, including the ones for P.O.D. and Ozzy Osbourne, the ones most suspected of harboring contaminants are those tickets for the center section. These tickets must be tested immediately and it is imperative that you send us those tickets today.

Once we receive your tickets, we’ll test each and every one in real-life situations. We’ll take those tickets to the concert hall, hand them to the ticket taker at the turnstile, and proceed to sit in the seats for up to three hours. Once we are satisfied that there are no contaminants, we’ll send the ticket stubs back to you, along with a short review of the show as well as a set list.

Let’s review. Almost all tickets sold today, no matter if it’s for Elton John, Incubus or Judas Priest, are 100 percent free of any biological contaminants. However, all front row seats, regardless of the act, must be tested, especially the front row, center tickets. Because balcony seats, as well as behind-the-stage and obstructed view, show a zero probability of being contaminated, there is no need to send those tickets to us for testing.

Finally, we must all work together to keep our country strong and safe. Remember, send in those front row tickets for acts like Kylie Minogue and Eric Clapton today. We’ll be glad you did.