“I think you’ll find that Disciplinary Artist Management is a different kind of company. We at DAM believe that hard work coupled with even harder penalties for failure induce our artists to give 110 percent 100 percent of the time, leading to increased output and maximum profits.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more. Obsession with the goal and the willingness to inflict pain are close companions on the road to success.”

“You are definitely talking our language. If hired, what management skills would you bring to DAM? Have you ever dealt with acts like Dixie Dregs or DC Talk?”

“Actually, I’ve never worked with musicians. Most of my management experience has been garnered from the private sector. I’m more of an ‘idea man.’ I lay down the concepts and it is up to those under me to figure out how to make those ideas reality.”

“Precisely the kind of person we’re looking for to fill this position. We’ve signed a new artist from Fresno. We think he’s going to be the biggest thing since Elvis. He’s Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow and Ozzy Osbourne all rolled into one. However, there’s just one small problem. He’s lazy. All he wants to do is party and hang out with Carson Daly.”

“Hmmm… Have you tried staking him out in the desert on top of an ant hill?”

“No, but we did send him to Betty Ford for three weeks.”

“Betty is for wimps. Raking leaves and making beds hardly compares to what can be accomplished with a good Sears Die-Hard, jumper cables and a strategically located Puddle Of Mudd.”

“I couldn’t have said it any better myself. I can see you’re definitely DAM material. Here’s the plan. We’re looking at putting our artist on the opening slot for some of the upcoming major tours, like Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, or that Elton John / Billy Joel co-headline. If hired, how would you handle it?”

“Interesting dilemma. You must control the artist, but not break the spirit. I’d start by chaining him to the back bumper of a Toyota pick up, then drag him several miles across a mountain goat trail.”

” And you don’t think that’s too drastic? I mean, those trails can be pretty hazardous.”

“Not at all. A Toyota is an excellent truck.”

“Say no more. I’m sold. How soon can you start?”

“I’ll need a few days to tie up some loose ends. How about next Monday?”

“It’s a deal. Oh, by the way, we at DAM follow a strict dress and grooming code. Now, about that beard, Mr. bin Laden…”