That’s why I moved up here. I don’t like people. Heck, when yuh get right down to it, I can’t stand ’em. That’s why I got me this cabin at the end of the road. Don’t bother comin’ around. I won’t leave the light on for yuh.

But I love tour dates. I spend my days contemplatin’ the schedules for acts like Spiritualized and Janet Jackson. I just can’t get enough of those dates, cities and states. Every morning I like to sit out front wearin’ nuttin’ but my moose antler hat and the skin God gave me, sippin’ my homemade wine and rattlin’ off the venues for the really big tours like that Elton John / Billy Joel co-headline. Who needs people when you got dates for Circle Jerks, Hear’say and Ancient Harmony? I don’t. Don’t like people, never will.

I gotta tell yuh, people are nuttin’ but trouble. But a Evan Dando & Rebel Crue 2002 schedule, ah, now there’s a companion for life. Every day about high noon you’ll find me sittin’ on my back stoop and sippin’ my tree-mold tea while all the creatures of the forest gather round and listen to me read the dates from a schedule like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Yes, sir, the animals are my only companions. They’re the only ones that understand me.

Like that woodchuck over there. He comes up to me every afternoon while I lie in this hammock, taking pulls from my jug and rollin’ up my own smokes from some plant that grows wild ’round these parts. He likes to perch on my shoulder, nibblin’ my ear while I tell him about great bands like Dishwalla and Ratdog. Oh, look, he’s tryin’ to get my attention. Ain’t that cute?

“Whatsamatter, boy? Got somethin’ to tell me? What’s that? The Hager Twins at the Florida State Fair on February 14? And B.B. King and Trout Fishing In America are going out next year? Well, don’t that beat all?”

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. You’re probably saying somethin’ like “That old man up in the hills is loony as all git out. Him and his critters and his white lightnin’ and his tour dates for The Fabulous Thunderbirds, Rick Braun and Emmylou Harris. Heck, he’s downright crazy.”

Naw, I don’t blame yuh. No, not one bit. Yuh see, I used to live down in the city. I used to do the ol’ nine-to-five, makin’ my fortune and settin’ up all them business deals. But I got sick of people. They’re always gripin’ about somethin’. So I moved up here where I can run nekked through the woods and spread the routings for The Saw Doctors and Psyco On Da Bus Feat. Tony Allen amongst all God’s creatures. And those days strugglin’ to survive in the rat race with all those damn flatlanders are way behind me. Yes, sir. That’s all in the past.

Those days when I was CEO of Enron.

Did I tell yuh I don’t like people? Never did, never will. They’re nuttin’ but suckers.