It must have happened during the night. For when we awoke this morning we were met with a larcenous situation of the likes that we had never seen before. Someone call the cops! Better yet, someone call the FBI!

The very first thing we did was check the concert datavault, where we keep all the really good tour dates like The Moody Blues and . Thank God they were safe. However, we didn’t emerge from this robbery unscathed, for the thief took our 2002 tour dates for The Rolling Stones, and a very tentative schedule for Michael Jackson. Go ahead, try clicking on them. There’s nothing there. Can you believe that? There ought to be a law. Wait a minute. There is a law.

We immediately took inventory. All of our dates for Linkin Park, and David Copperfield were right where they were supposed to be, as were our routings for Eric Sardinas and Buddy Guy. However, we realized that along with the 2005 dates for the Barbra Streisand comeback tour and that big 2007 co-headline starring Courtney Love and the surviving members of Nirvana, some of our employees’ personal belongings were missing as well. Like operator #319’s gold broach and operator #691’s diamond tiara. What’s this world coming to?

Yes, the thief really cleaned us out. Our 2006 dates for Bruce Springsteen? Gone. Our 2004 dates for KISS? History. The company fleet of automobiles including the Humvees and the matched set of Jaguars? Nowhere to be seen. We’ve never felt so vulnerable, so insecure, so… so… violated!

But we’ve learned our lesson. From now on we’ll double lock the dates for Alicia Keys and triple the guard on Aerosmith. We’ll get the best alarm system money can buy. Ex-Secret Service agents, retina scans, wild rabid guard dogs, nothing’s too good when it comes to safeguarding our tour database. Never again will we get caught with our proverbial trousers down around our collective ankles. We’ll turn our modest grounds into a fortress and woe to anyone who every tries to breach our walls. Security, thy name is!

And we’re going to start things off by revoking Winona Ryder’s guess pass. Yeah, we know, kind of like closing the barn door after the horses escaped, but one has to start somewhere.