Is the New Year’s Eve date for Barry Manilow good for what ails you? Can a schedule such as the itinerary for Eddie Money keep your cholesterol down and your blood pressure below boiling temperature? Do dates for GWAR help ward off shingles, gout and Dutch Elm disease?

For centuries medical science has pondered these questions in attempts to better understand the rumored healing powers of tour dates as well as the unproven mythological holistic powers of concert schedules. Handed down from generation to generation, home remedy treatments for common ailments such as warts, goiters and acute schizophrenia often included a liberal dose of Social Distortion Southern California appearances along with five to ten milligrams of Halcyon washed down by a good herbal tea. Clearly somebody knew something. But what?

The concept that tour dates could heal the sick as well as give bands such as Big Sky and Sum 41 a sense of direction was not lost upon our founder, Festus Pollstar, who realized that salves, poultices and leeches might be combined with the inner mechanics of the concert industry in order to benefit all mankind.

But misguided lawmakers, horrified by Festus’ early experiments in using suppositories as a delivery system to distribute dates for The Rollins Band and Cracker, quickly passed legislation banning medical tour date research. And it was a disheartened Festus that finally hung up his medical shoes when Dr. Jonas Salk refused to mix Neil Sedaka dates with his own famous vaccine.

Unrecognized by science, ignored by the medical community, only to be embraced by midwives, hillbilly doctors and concert promoters, the lowly tour date has yet to prove itself to be effective treatment for the ills and chills that may infect the human body. But if you’re plagued with a runny nose, or maybe a fever and a sore throat, you might want to try one of the thousands of good solid routings on like the schedules for Alicia Keys or Jimmy Buffett. After all, it wouldn’t hurt.

Besides, you’re going to need something to do while you’re sitting on hold with your HMO. We just hope our 23,000 or so dates will be enough.