“Not so good, Bob. I’ve got a few days of vacation coming up, and my family can’t decide where to go. The wife wants Fresno and the kids want Mississippi.”

“You just can’t please everyone.”

“I hear you. Plus, my dot-com stock has tanked again. I don’t know whether I should stiff the electric company in order to pay my phone bill, or stiff the phone company so that I can pay my bar tab down at Joe’s.”

“Decisions, decisions.”

“Sometimes they can drive you crazy.”

“You know what, Ralphie? It sounds like you need a concert promoter.”

“Uh? Why would I need a concert promoter?”

“Think of it, Ralphie. Who better to make your decisions for you than someone who spends each day juggling shows like Alicia Keys or Rufus Wainwright?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know.”

“Take it from someone who has been there, Ralphie. I used to be like you. Every day a different decision to make. Should I have coffee or tea? Should I watch Millionaire or Weakest Link? Should I wipe once or twice? Yeah, I know all about decisions. That’s why I keep my concert promoter’s phone number on my speed dial. After all, if he can decide between presenting shows by Merle Haggard and the Go-Go’s, he can definitely help me make all the important decisions in my life.”

“And that helps?”

“Made me the man I am today. Like when I was trying to decide whether or not I should get married and give my oldest son a last name, my promoter told me how he landed the Flickerstick tour. That sure set me straight.”


“Uh, uh. And then there was the time I had to make a decision about whether or not to let my dad move in with us so that we could collect his Social Security checks. My promoter told me about the time he had shows by System Of A Down, Bad Company and Neil Sedaka all on the same night.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Life is easy when you have a concert promoter making all your decisions for you, Ralphie. My promoter’s experience with GWAR helped me through my spleen transplant last year. His dealings with Biohazard and Diana Krall showed me what to do when my youngest daughter got arrested last summer for running over Long Island white trash with her SUV. Yes, having your own concert promoter sure makes a difference.”

“I never thought of it that way, Bob.”

“Oh, the stories I could tell you, Ralphie. But I’m runnin’ late. I got to stop at Barnes & Noble on the way home. Now, what did I do with my cell phone?”

“I suppose you’ll have to call your promoter first so that he can tell you which books to buy.”

“Of course not, Ralphie. There are still some decisions that a promoter can’t make for me. Not many, mind you, but there are a few.”

“There are?”

“Uh, uh. For this I’ll need to call my booking agent.”