“Harry, it’s me. That’s right. Ralphie. Here’s why I’m calling. Got a question for you, Harry. What are you doing next month? Feel like a road trip?

“Well, you see, there’s this big music festival next month, and… Uh? The groups? Well, there’s the Dave Matthews Band. What’s that? I know they’re not touring, but a lot of the bands scheduled for this festival aren’t on the road at the moment. It’s like they’re just doing this one date. Yeah, that’s right. A one night only kind of deal. Kind of like your love life.

“Who else? Well, lessee… there’s Foo Fighters. Also Sheryl Crow and Canada’s Barenaked Ladies. Uh? What’s that? No, I meant the band from Canada, not those strippers we got arrested with the last time we were in Montreal. Yeah, I hear you. I’m still trying to scrape the maple syrup out of my 8-track player in my Pinto.

“Anyway, this is going to be the biggest music festival ever. It runs for two weeks and some of the other artists include Brooks & Dunn, Smash Mouth and Creed. Gosh, it’s gonna be just like Woodstock, Live Aid and the US Festival all rolled into one. And I hear security is gonna be pretty tight, so you’re gonna have to leave the wine sack and the twelve of Bud in the car.

“But wait until you hear the lineup for the last day, Harry. You’re gonna flip. It’s Bon Jovi, Charlotte Church, Christina Aguilera, Harry Connick Jr. and *NSYNC. Yeah, I know. There’s going to be babes all over the place. I’m thinking we’re going to have to splurge and get a motel room with a shower. At least for the last day.

“So, what do you say, Harry? Are you up for a road trip to see the biggest music festival in history? What’s that? Where is it? When does it start? Let me see, I wrote it down on the back of my Skoal container. Ah! Here it is. It starts February 9th in Salt Lake City.

“Uh? What’s that? The Winter Olympics? No way! You mean this isn’t a music festival? That all those acts I just mentioned are on the entertainment lineup for the Winter Olympics?

“Never mind.”