Damn. Another tour bus, another band.

Yesterday it was 300 miles of asphalt with Unwritten Law. Today it looks like 500 miles of two-lane blacktop with P.O.D. And tomorrow? Who knows? Could be Nelly Furtado, 311 or even Dave Matthews Band. I’m getting too old for this.

I’ve been traveling with these bands for Lord knows how long. Heck, sometimes it seems as if I’m getting off of one bus only to get on another. After a while all the bands look alike, and I can’t tell if I’m traveling with Neil Diamond or Neil Sedaka, if I’m in Omaha or Grand Rapids, or if I’m wearing boxers or briefs.

I was told there would be some hardships when I took this job, but nothing could prepare me for what I’ve experienced with acts like Sugar Ray or String Cheese Incident. “Hoist that lighting rig for Acoustic Syndicate, ” and “Crank up the sound for Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young,” or “Always use two-ply tissue on Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds.” Sheesh, the orders never stop.

Then there are the groupies. Let me tell you, everything you’ve heard is true. No matter if the band is Manplanet, Guided By Voices or Galactic, they all have their followers. And do you know who has to clean up afterwards and pick up all the beer cans and plaster kits or disinfect all the Bakersfield love beads? That’s right, yours truly.

But I’m a dedicated man, and no one has ever accused me of leaving a job half-finished. I’ll tote the drum set for System Of A Down, lift those amps for Indigo Girls and even sanitize the piano benches for Elton John & Billy Joel. For my daddy once told me any job worth doing is a job worth doing well, and I’ve never been one to back down from a challenge.

But I got to admit, some day I’m gonna tell my boss what I think of him. I’ll tell him about what it’s like to be out here on the road with Chris LeDoux, Sick Of It All and Tish Hinojosa. Yes, someday I’ll stand up to that young whippersnapper.

And when that day comes I’ll march right into that Oval Office and tell George what he can do the next time he wants to send me to an “undisclosed location.”