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Tours de Farce: The ABCs Of The Record Biz
“Hello, class. My name is Hilary Rosen, and I’m from the Recording Industry Association of America, but you might know it better as the RIAA. I would like to thank your teacher for inviting me to visit your school. Now, while you’re answering the little survey I prepared, does anyone have any questions about the RIAA? Yes, you in the second row.”
“I’m having trouble with question #4 on the survey. What if I don’t know my parents’ Social Security numbers?”
“Not to worry. Just answer that question with their date-of-birth and where they were born. Next question? Yes, you in the Jimmy Buffett T-shirt.”
“Why are all the recording artists complaining about their contracts with the record labels?”
“I would be happy to answer that. First of all, not all recording artists are complaining. Actually, most of them, like Jewel and Elton John, are overjoyed with their seven-album deals and are looking forward to the 20 or 30 years that it might take to fulfill those contracts.”
“But aren’t some of them claiming that the recording industry treats them like indentured servants?”
“Ooooh! Such big words for a little person. No, the recording industry does not treat its artists like indentured servants. In fact, I was just having this same conversation with Don Henley this very morning while he was waxing my car. Next question. Yes, you in the back.”
“I’m not too sure how to answer question #109 on the survey. It’s the one asking if my parents have ever used any file-sharing programs to download MP3s by Tracy Byrd and Dwight Yoakam.”
“Simple, my child. If you answer ‘no,’ your parents are great people and you can move on to the next question. If you answer ‘yes,’ then your parents are very sick and the only way you can help them is by listing all the songs they’ve downloaded. Oh, and don’t be afraid to ask for more paper. Er… You in the Rob Zombie baseball cap, do you have a question?”
“Are personal MP3 players safe?”
“Actually, the results aren’t in yet, but the RIAA testing labs are looking into reports that using MP3 players to listen to songs by major label artists such as Destiny’s Child or Lennon, can cause cancer, deafness, and kooties. Next question? Yes, you in the first row.”
“Question #5912 on the survey asks if either of my parents have ever been arrested for music piracy. Do you want all the arrests, or just the number of convictions?”
“Just the convictions, dear, so we can notify the local authorities that there’s a convicted music pirate living in the area. Next question, you in the Shawn Fanning T-shirt. “
“Which is more powerful, the RIAA or the Vatican?”
“The Vatican, of course. At least for today.”