“And I put out those press releases you gave me, Sergeant. You know, the ones that describe our Special Forces landing units as the advance crews for Bob Mould, Hayden and Eels? Heck, if any of those bad guys have tickets for those shows, well, I got three words for them. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!”


“Yes, Sergeant?”

“Ixnay on the ordersay, Pyle.”

“Pardon me, Sergeant?”

“I just got off the phone with Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. He’s closing down the office. Seems that it got too much negative publicity in the media. Shred all the papers and get ready to move out.”

“But, Sergeant, what about all the work I did? Like, telling all the Pakistani radio stations that Patty Griffin and The Butchies are both going to play Baghdad, Tehran and that city in North Korea with the funny name.”


“That’s the one, Sergeant. Howard Sternladen is already announcing the dates on Radio Free Islamabad.”

“Forget about it, Pyle, the Secretary said all the bad press has damaged the office and it won’t be able to operate effectively.”


“Uh, uh. So, pack up all your gear and get ready to bug out. I’ve got a chopper coming to pick you up at 0800.”

“Gol-lee, Sergeant. And to think that I spent all night dropping leaflets near the Iraqi border describing the 1st Armored Division as the road crew for Emmylou Harris.”

“Forget about it, Pyle. Show’s over. Officially speaking, no more lies.”

“Oh, I get it.”

“So, you’re clear on this?”

“Yes, Sergeant. This is one of those disinformation things, right, Sergeant? We’re just saying we’re bugging out, aren’t we? Like those British soldiers are always saying. You know, ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink?'”


“Now, don’t you worry, Sergeant Carter. I’ll tell everyone that we’re closing the office, but in the meantime, I’ll set up those bogus press releases calling Saddam Hussein the mother of all ticket scalpers.”

“Now, you listen to me, Pyle.”

“Well, gotta run, Sergeant. If I’m going to pretend that we’re closing down the office, then I better start hustling. Besides, I still haven’t fed those rumors we made up about the Taliban being secret members of the Britney Spears fan club to Carson Dailyamahd on Baghdad’s Total Revolt Live. Bye, bye, Sergeant.”

“Pyle? Don’t hang -.”


“Pyle? Pyle!… Sheesh. I wonder if Oliver North ever had days like this.”