Actually, I’m not a full-time employee. At least, not yet. You see, about 10 months ago I heard rumblings that I might lose my current job, so I came here and started working weekends and fill-in, adding extra dates for bands like Jethro Tull and .

And now it looks as if those rumors were true. I’ve been given notice that my current employer will only be able to keep me on for a few more months. Thankfully, I’ve been studying up on the routings on The Neville Brothers and Jonathan Butler, and I should be able to slip into a full-time position here at like Enron money sliding through Congress.

But I have to admit, my fellow employees are a suspicious lot. Take the other day when we got the new schedule for Tony Danza. That’s when the office supply manager noticed that all of the toilet paper was missing. Of course, as the “new guy,” they asked me about it. Fortunately, my wife provided me with an ironclad alibi. Now the supply manager locks up the TP and hands it out on a “need to wipe” basis.

Then on Monday, the sales manager’s motorcycle vanished. We looked everywhere, including the processing pits, the cancelled tour date dump out back, even under the listings for The Righteous Brothers, Peter Frampton and Michael McDonald, but no luck. That’s when’s chief of security, Bernard Fife, got a warrant to search my home. Like what do I need a Harley for, anyway?

Then little things started disappearing. Like the salt shakers in the commissary, the staff toothbrush from the bathroom and the box office manager’s PK Walther. Of course, they asked me first. “Gary, do you know anything about this?” and “Gary, you didn’t happen to ‘borrow’ the schedules for Big Sugar and Angelique Kidjo, did you?” and “Gary, could you please empty your pockets?” Sheesh…

Sure, it gets tiring at times, always being suspected whenever anything goes wrong. But I’ve still got a few months at my old job, and I’ll spend every weekend and every evening proving to the management of that I can be the best tour date researcher they ever had. I’ll enter the dates for Jimmie Vaughan, proof the listings for Keb’ Mo’ and Saves The Day, and even help out with the inventory in the store. Oh, oh, a few of the Incubus T-shirts have vanished. Looks like I’ll have to take another polygraph test. Again.

Well, gotta run. Got dates for Soilent Green and Robert Bradley’s Blackwater Surprise to process before I head back to my old job for the rest of the week. But before I do all that, I have to go to an emergency staff meeting. You see, it seems that one of our college interns is missing.

And I suppose they’ll blame me for that, too.