We’ve taken a long hard look at our internal operations, we’ve flowed the charts and we’ve studied the top-down model of concert information dispersion for so long that we don’t know which way is up. We’ve micro-managed the schedules for Cornershop and Lisa Loeb, and we’ve macraméd the venue listings for Ben Harper. And after examining all the schematics, pneumatics and semantics, we have learned one important fact:

We need to reorganize the way we do things at Pollstar.com. And we’re going to start off by limiting a certain expense.

For example, after studying the ratio of employee work breaks compared to the incoming data stream of new dates for Galactic, W.C. Clark and 70s Soul Jam, we’ve realized that it’s just not humanly possible to present concert info, whether it’s for Hayden or the rescheduled dates for the Elton John / Billy Joel tour, in a timely matter unless we cut down on the three-martini brunch breaks in the Pollstar.com commissary. Therefore, starting Monday, we’re going to totally eliminate the glass after glass guzzling of gin and vermouth that has been a staple of this company since 1934. That should save a few extra pennies.

And we completely re-thought our entire luncheon procedure and came to the conclusion that four glasses of champagne per employee was a redundancy. So, starting Monday, our workers will have to learn to get by without knocking back glass after glass of bubbly before returning to their cubicles in the main processing pits to hammer out the schedules for Cracker, Ween and Weezer. Even our accountants at Arthur Andersen agree that it will help us save some dough.

But perhaps our most controversial decision was to cut back on the 4:00 p.m. beer-busts when our employees would gather around the keg in the courtyard and down glass after glass of some of the finest microbrews to be found in Northern California. Therefore, starting Monday, no more free glasses of beer. The reduced belching and burping while entering the dates for Tanya Donelly and Ratdog, not to mention the obvious long-term savings, should turn out to be a definite plus.

Of course, there was some grumbling, but we just had to face the facts. Glass after glass of martinis, champagne and brewskis just wasn’t cutting it the new dot-com economy. Starting Monday, things are definitely going to be different at Pollstar.com, and you’ll never see our staffers waste any more of our operating budget by guzzling tall glasses of high-octane beverages while they pound out the schedules for Ozzfest 2002, Johnny Dowd and Mike Watt And The Secondmen.

Yes, sir, as of Monday, we’re switching to recyclable paper cups. That should cut down on our dishwashing expenses.

Sure, it was a tough decision, but no one ever said reorganization was easy.