Introduced in the House by Representative Marvin Albert (D-VA), and sponsored in the Senate by Senator Dick Morris (R-MD), bill APR 040102 would raise the age at which one may legally go to a show, such as a-ha or Long Beach Short Bus, to 25 years of age.
Citing severe crowd control and behavior modification problems, several self-interest groups immediately expressed support for the bipolar legislation. “It’s about time we rein in these hooligans,” said Frederick Durst, president of Do As We Say, a Washington think tank dedicated to finding perverse and restricting solutions in a centralist world. “People under 25 should be home minding their parents and being seen but not heard, instead of whooping it up at Prong or Ted Nugent.”
Other political activists were equally supportive of the bill. “The stats speak for themselves,” said Hilary Rosen of the National Rifle & Recording Industry Association Of America (NRRIAA). “Our nation’s youth should be buying CDs from officially endorsed record stores and learning gun safety from qualified armed citizens before they see our artists’ intellectual property performed in public.”
Under the proposed bill, those under 25 would be restricted from seeing concerts, no matter if it’s performances by Peter Murphy, Elvis Costello or John Tesh, unless they are accompanied by a parent or legal guardian angel. Furthermore, the same bill demands that those between the ages of 18 and 21 spend two years performing mandatory volunteer public service in the private sector, before receiving their “concert learning permits.”
What can you do to protect your concert rights? Writing your congressman is a start, although most opponents of APR 040102 feel that peaceful social protest, such as hunger strikes, sit-down strikes, lucky strikes and looting, is the only answer that will satisfactorily preserve our individual concert freedoms, and protect the under 25-year-olds’ rights to see Alanis Morissette and Alicia Keys.
However, there are others who feel that compromise is the answer. “We’re preparing a counter proposal,” said Dr. B.A. Baracus of the Violent Answers For Peaceful Solutions Society. “We’re proposing that anyone under 25 be allowed to attend any concert, no matter if it’s Galactic, Heart or The Allman Brothers Band, as long as they don’t do it in the first half of the year in any month that starts with ‘A.'”
And what penalties will be imposed if concertgoers violate those guidelines?
“Then they’ll have answer to me, and anyone who does is not going to like my special brand of concert discipline,” said Dr. Baracus as he playfully toyed with the 20 pound gold chains hanging down from his neck that have become his trademarked attire around Washington. “And if they do, well, all I can say is they have my sympathy, because it ain’t gonna be pretty, believe me. In fact, you could say I pity the poor April fools.”