“So you see, Mr. President, the nut of the problem is expressing support for a Palestinian state, while not undermining our commitment to Israel. Furthermore… Furthermore… Uh, Mr. President?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Andrew. I guess I must have nodded off. It’s just that there is so much information to absorb. Who would have thought the world was so complex? I mean, there are so many countries out there.”

“I know, sir. Now, if we can just take a look at these domestic figures.”

“No need to, Andrew. I already crunched the numbers with Sonny.”


“You know, the bright young lad from that Irish band, U2?”

“Oh, you mean Bono. Yes, he was quite the character, wasn’t he?”

“I’ll say. That young rocker helped me see through the political b.s. and understand the world’s problems without all that diplomatic baggage.”

“Yes, sir. Now, about these steel tariffs.”

“In fact, Bono helped me so much, that I was thinking of meeting with more musicians, a collection of the best and the loudest. They could be my ‘Backstage Cabinet.’ What do you think, Andrew? Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, Mr. President. Sounds wonderful. Now, I need you to go over this revised nuclear engagement policy. I’ve got the dart board right here.”

“For example, Alanis Morissette could be my unofficial advisor on Canadian affairs. That would help me shore up support with the curling fans, not to mention the beer and donut industries.”

“Whatever you say, Mr. President. We also have the Deep Purple lead singer issue to discuss this morning. Plus the daily briefing with State, Justice and Defense.”

“Powell, Ashcroft and Rumsfeld. Hmmm. I wonder if I shouldn’t have picked Charlie Daniels, Deicide and Ted Nugent for those positions.”


“Think of it, Andrew. Who better to understand the world’s problems than musicians? They’ve got the ear of the people and they always know what’s best for society.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Yes, O-Town, Aaron Carter and Foreigner. That’s the key to world peace, Andrew. And I’ll think I’ll start by giving that nice young man from U2 a call. You know, Sonny?”


“That’s the one. I think I’ll make him in charge of my inner circle. He can make all the big decisions, like who gets in to see me, and how we should handle the crisis of the day.”

“But… but… Mr. President, that’s my job.”

“Was your job, Andrew. I’m gonna call him right now. Lessee, what’s the country code for Ireland?”

“Surely you’re not serious about this, Mr. President. You need someone who understands the political nuances of any situation. Someone who can leverage political power where it’s needed. Someone who can break down the complexity of world affairs into easily digestible factoids. Besides, what’s Bono have that I haven’t got?”

“That’s easy, Andrew. Hand gestures.”

“Hand… Er… What?”

“Hand gestures, Andrew. He speaks so eloquently with his hands. No matter if he’s talking about the world’s poor, or advising me about how to get good seats for Britney Spears and Nickelback, his hand gestures are mesmerizing.”

“But, sir, don’t I gesture with my hands when I brief you every day on world events? Don’t I draw pictures in the air when I help you make all the big decisions? Don’t I articulate with my fingers when I show you all sides of any given problem? Don’t my hands make the world easier to understand?”

“Yes, Andrew, you do all that, but… but…”

“But what, Mr. President?”

“Bono uses sock puppets.”