“We have a unique new act that has what it takes to go straight to the top. The lead singer has a microphone implanted in his left, middle finger, looks like the guy from KORN, and is so outrageous that he makes GWAR look like *NSYNC. The guitarist actually has his instrument’s strings surgically attached to his left arm, and the drummer… well… we won’t go into that. Anyway, we need to come up with a strategy to develop the band to their full potential. Yes, Bob?”

“Well, R.J., why don’t we start them off small, say a few support dates for ZZ Top, followed by a tour with either INXS or Flickerstick?”

“Sounds good. Yes, Christie?”

“Two words; radio shows. All the big acts are doing them, like Kid Rock and Stone Temple Pilots. We fly them in, they do a couple of songs, and then we hustle them out of town before the cops bust them for violating local animal husbandry laws. It will make for the best press since VH1 featured GG Allin on Behind The Music.”

“Excellent. Speaking of press, how’s the publicity campaign going? Yes, Andy?”

“Not so good, R.J. I was with the singer all weekend, and I’m not so sure these guys are ready to face the press.”


“As it turns out, the band’s image is just that. An image sparked by rumors and lies told on the Net.”

“What? You mean they don’t do that thing with the plastic explosives, mayonnaise and the Britney Spears doll?”

“Afraid not, R.J.”

“Then what about that gimmick where they lure all the town’s children into their tour bus with promises of free tickets for Kansas and Bryan Adams, and then ship them off to work as slave labor in a service charge factory in Thailand?”

“Just a myth, R.J.”

“Or what about that incident in Fresno where they covered their fans with honey and then unleashed a box of killer bees?”

“They only did that once. Besides, that was Fresno.”

“Hmmm… This is serious. If word gets out that these guys are normal, it could be the worst debacle to hit the music biz since… since… Milli Vanilli. Yes, Christie?”

“Too late, R.J. Drudge has already posted it on his Website. Says the band’s true inspirations are the old ‘School House Rock’ educational series and the early works of John Tesh.”

“No need to panic. No one reads Drudge anyway and… Yes, Andy?”

“It doesn’t look good, R.J. The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and RollingStone.com are all running with Drudge’s story.”

“That’s it, then. The band is finished. Damn! It’s going to be tough to find another act as unique as… as… Oh, whatever they called themselves. Well, no use crying over spilled milk. What’s our next order of business? Yes, Christie?”

“Well, R.J., we have a unique new act that has what it takes to go straight to the top. The lead singer has a microphone implanted in his left armpit, looks like the guy from Adema, and makes Aaron Carter look like Ozzy Osbourne. All we need is a strategy. I’m thinking two words, R.J., Radio…”