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Tours de Farce: Making The Grade
Yes. Sit down Steven. I was going over your academic record, and I must say, I’m a bit concerned.”
“Concerned, sir? I don’t understand.”
“It’s your grades, Steven. The university expects all of its concert scholarship students to maintain a straight 4.0 average.”
“Okay, I admit I let a few things slide. I blew off my Poli-Sci final in order to bring Elvis Costello and The Allman Brothers Band to campus, and I ditched my English Lit studies so that I could negotiate a better deal for Paul McCartney. However, I aced Concert Morality 101, Advance Promoter Ethics 309, and Roadie Psych 211. Plus, I logged over 200 hours in the service charge lab last semester, not to mention all the time spent feeding the rats. That has to count for something.”
“Yes, but I’m afraid it’s just not enough.”
“But, Dean, I’m a senior. I’m supposed to graduate this spring.”
“I know, Steven. Unfortunately, your grades say you’re not quite ready to go out into the real world.”
“Huh? Didn’t I bring O-Town and Adema to campus just last week? Didn’t I introduce you to both Karla Bonoff and Britney Spears? Didn’t I make the university number one in concerts for the last three years?”
“That you did, Steven, but…”
“But, nothing, Dean. I made this school’s concert program what it is today. The president of the university said that himself last month when he was at that backstage party with GWAR.”
“I’m aware of that, Steven, as well as the tailgate extravaganza you threw before the Creed concert, the improved concession sales for ZZ Top and Matthew Sweet, and the fantastic box office receipts for Aaron Carter. However, the university has academic standards to maintain, and we do not make exceptions.”
“You mean…”
“Yes, Steven, you’re going to have to stay one more year if you want your Bachelor of Concert Arts degree.”
“Gee, I don’t know what to say. Another year?”
“I’m afraid so, Steven.”
“Another year of booking Tesla and INXS? Another year of wild parties after Lenny Kravitz and The Derek Trucks Band play the arena? Another year of hanging backstage with *NSYNC or bar hopping with Oasis or… or… dealing with Nickelback groupies? I don’t know, Dean.”
“You have no other choice, Steven. If you want your Concert Bachelor’s degree, you’ll have to stay one more year.”
“Well… Since you put it that way.”
“Oh, cheer up, Steven. It won’t be that bad.”
“I.. I… guess not, Dean. Besides, you know what they say. The tenth year’s the charm.”