We’ve hit the jackpot! We’ve struck the metaphorical oil that translates into cold hard cash! Our ship has come in! We’ve hit paydirt!

We’ve found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. No more struggling with dates for Rush or chasing after changes for The Dickies and Lydia Lunch for us. No, sir. From now on we’ll call the shots and have someone else get their hands dirty while we kick back and reap the rewards such as the latest routings for Tommy Lee, The Sun Ra Arkestra and The Breeders.

Don’t worry. We won’t let our newfound wealth go to our heads. We’ll still be the same tour date connoisseurs we were yesterday. However, there will be some changes made. For starters, we’re going to see the shows we want to see, like Terence Blanchard and Grand Funk Railroad, and not just the ones we’re comped to. And we’re going to sit in the best seats money can buy for Luciano Pavarotti, instead of having to settle for the usual second-tier music industry freebies set aside for record company secretaries, drummers’ wives and overnight DJs. We’re gonna be stylin’!

Of course, we don’t actually have our hands on the loot. At least, not yet. These things take time. There’s paperwork to deal with, transfers of assets, certificates of deposit and all that stuff. But soon, dear reader, oh, yes, soon, we’ll be dripping in untold material possessions, and we’ll be rubbing elbows with the rich and famous like Jewel, Loretta Lynn and Winger. Yes, soon we’ll be king of the hill and top of the heap!

That is, as soon as the Nigerian government starts transferring its wealth to our personal bank account. You see, they recently contacted us via email and asked that we help them spirit billions of dollars out of their besieged country, and in return, offered us a very generous skim off of the top. We just sent them our savings account number, and the riches should start pouring in any moment now. We can hardly wait!

But best of all, it will help tide us over until we start making money on all that email we sent. You know, that AOL / Intel email test that pays out big bucks to anyone that passes it along? The money should start coming in any day now. Hmmm… We wonder what’s keeping it.