“So, we finally meet.

“Don’t look so surprised. You knew this day would come. Thought you could avoid me, eh? Thought you could just refuse to take my calls and that would be the end of it, eh? Never thought I’d find you here, eh? Well, let me tell you something.

“Nobody expects the RIAA.

“That’s right. It’s me, Hilary Rosen of the Recording Industry Association of America, and I’ve got a bone to pick with you. It’s about that commercial. Don’t look at me as if to ask, ‘Commercial? What commercial?’ You know damn well what commercial. The one with you guys in that big rig, talking about downloading that cover of a Gordon Lightfoot song. You think you’re cute, don’t you. Well, you better listen up and listen good. I’m gonna make mince meat out of you.

“Yeah, you techies and your ‘fair use,’ and ‘download legally’ crap. You think you can escape my wrath? You sell your computers with the CD burners, and you think all you have to do is warn your buyers about the dangers of downloading copyrighted material, such as songs by Mike Clark and De La Soul. You think a little disclaimer is going to protect you from my vengeance? Ha! Think again! I’m gonna put you through my legal grinder and make hamburger out of you.

So, go ahead. Sell all the CD burners you want. I’m gonna walk all over you like I did MP3.com and Napster. Senator Hollings, Jack Valenti and myself are going to push that bill through Congress. And when we do, companies like yours will have to do it our way. You’ll make government-approved, copyright-safe devices, and we’ll see how many burners you sell when your customers discover that they can’t use them to burn copies of Leftover Salmon, Shane MacGowan & The Popes and Little Anthony & The Imperials CDs. They’ll have your hide! They’ll turn you into ground round. You’ll rue the day you messed with the RIAA!

“So, what’s the big computer entrepreneur got to say now? Huh? Truth hurts, doesn’t it? Well, come on, speak up. What do you have to say about selling all those burners when you know people are using them to rip off The Juliana Theory, Pete Yorn and Neil Sedaka? Huh? I haven’t got all day. What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue? Come on, out with it.”

“Moooooo.”