“Hello. I live a few doors down. Welcome to the neighborhood!

“Just moved in? I’ll bet you’re a big music fan, eh? I’ll bet your stereo system really pumps out the tunes. Yeah, Leftover Salmon and David Byrne must sound really sweet coming through those mammoth speakers of yours. Uh? What’s that? How did I see it? I watched the movers bring it in.

“Me, I love music. I’m can spend all day listening to Dave Matthews Band, Eagles and KMFDM. That and people watching. You see, I’m retired. Made my money in computer programming. You know that ‘Fatal Application Error’ that pops up on your new computer every once in a while? That’s right, the ‘Blue Screen Of Death.’ I invented that. Sold it to Microsoft 15 years ago, and the royalties work out to about half a cent each time it appears. Made a fortune. What? How do I know you have a new computer? I saw UPS deliver it the other day.

“You can tell a lot about people by the music they listen to. For example, you know that family in the next house? The Johnsons? They have a Pioneer receiver, a Samsung CD player and they like Doves and Social Distortion. Yes, they do look like the happy couple, but between you and me, she’s having an affair with the promoter who lives on the next block. She thinks it’s love, he considers it market research. What? How do I know? It’s just one of those things you happen to notice when you’re home all day, people watching while listening to music.

“Take the family across the street, for example. He’s home most of the time. Disability, you know, dislocated appendix, but between you and me, he’s faking it. Just the other day I saw him dancing around the living room to Queens Of The Stone Age, while his wife was working at the ticket factory. Him and that 20-year-old divorcee who lives next door to them were really getting down, if you know what I mean.

“Yeah, you don’t miss much in this old neighborhood when you’re home all day like I am. If I’m not listening to Femi Kuti, Gregory Isaacs or Will Young & Gareth Gates, I’m watching the unfolding story of humanity. That is, when I’m not tinkering around with my Web cams. Oh, I must have 35, maybe 40 by now. Like that one up in the tree in your back yard. Oh, by the way, your wife really looked lovely in that nightgown last night. Too bad you forgot to refill your Viagra prescription. But that’s life, eh?”

Slam!!!

“Sheesh, people can be so rude.”