“Oh, I’m sorry, Andrew. I was just going over my email. Hello, what do we have here? Well, what do you know? It’s an email from my old college roommate, Roger.”

“I’m sure it brings back memories, Mr. President. Now, I need you to look over this proposed list of targets.”

“Hmmm… Says here he’s a concert promoter.”

“I’ll bet he’s a good one, sir, but we’ve got a world to save, so could we please get back to this list of targets?”

“Says he’s the biggest in the state. Even sent me a couple of pictures. Look, there he is standing next to Paul McCartney. And there’s another one of him posing with Alanis Morissette and David Byrne. Sigh…

“Certainly you’re not envious, are you Mr. President?”

“Maybe a little, Andrew. I always thought being a promoter would be the greatest job in the world. Every day a different show, like Lynyrd Skynyrd and KORN. Plus, you never have to buy a ticket.”

“Those sound like great perks, Mr. President. Now, about these projected fallout levels.”

“Haggling with agents over appearance fees for Doves and Social Distortion. Bickering about contracts for U.K. Subs, The Tragically Hip and that Chris Isaak / Natalie Merchant co-headline. Gosh, that must be exciting.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And going backstage after the show! I’ve always wanted to do that.”

“Yes, Mr. President, now about these nuclear winter predictions.”

“Strutting up to the security guard, flashing my ‘all-access’ laminate, and hobnobbing with Sammy and Dave. Being on a first-name basis with Elton John, Elvis Costello and Jesus Jones. Oh, how I envy him. You know, Andrew, I once tried becoming a promoter.”


“Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed about putting on the big shows. Like Rush, Eagles and Bryan Ferry.”

“But your job isn’t so bad, Mr. President. After all, does a promoter get to ride in Air Force One, ban cloning and bury nuclear waste in Nevada?”

“No, but he gets to track ticket counts for Phil Lesh & Friends and make offers for Goo Goo Dolls and , the lucky stiff.”

“Then you don’t mind my asking, sir, if you wanted to be a promoter so much…”

“Then why didn’t I, Andrew?”

“Er, yes.”

Oh, I wanted to, but I couldn’t get past the basics. The math was incredible. Plus it required additional credits in Humanities, Economics and Ethics. No, Andrew, I guess I just wasn’t cut out to be a promoter. If only…”

“If only what, sir?”

“If only my grades had been higher.”