But that’s not all.

After the sun sinks slowly over that western horizon, not only will we continue to guard your home from the denizens of the night, but we’ll also call in our Pollstar.com Party Simulation Team to ensure that your home has that “lived-in” look to anyone passing by. Not only will we blast Slobberbone and Soil out of your stereo speakers, but we’ll also simulate the sounds of people mixing drinks and popping open beer cans. And for an additional fee, we’ll even create the sounds of people splashing in your pool. Such a deal!

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Self, this is a great idea! But it’s already Saturday. Is it too late to call the Pollstar.com Homeland Security Service and have them protect my home while I’m away? If I call them today, will they still arrive in time to provide the additional security that will give me peace of mind while I travel out of town on this fine Memorial Day weekend, as well as keep up to date on the schedules for Beth Nielsen Chapman and Jefferson Starship?”

Not to worry. You don’t need to call, schedule appointments, obtain cost estimates, or make reservations when it comes to the Pollstar.com Homeland Security Service. We’ve spent years planning for this weekend so that you don’t have to.

Just leave the key under that mat, and we’ll take care of the rest.

Oh, and enjoy the weekend. We know we will.