Sure, you’ve probably heard the president say that more than a few times in recent months. But it’s one thing to stare at the TV and nod along with our commander in chief, quite another to pick up the torch of truth and freedom and light the way so that others may follow. Make no mistake about it, from this moment on, is doing its part to combat global terrorism.

We’ve started by eliminating all of Osama bin Laden’s auto notify accounts. Can you believe the man had signed up for over 150 artists, including Aaron Carter and Nina Hagen? Of course, those are the ones listed under his email address. We’re still trying to determine how many Hotmail accounts the guy uses, but we’re sure the one that sent us the message; “Death to infidels! Die! Die! Die! p.s. How can I get backstage passes for KORN?” is definitely one of them.

But it doesn’t stop there. We’ve made a thorough effort to block the i.p. address of any person associated with terrorism, from Libya’s Moammar Gadhafi and his infatuation with Kansas and Ike Turner, to captured “American Taliban” fighter, John Walker Lindh, and his obsession for Blues Clues Live. Sorry, Saddam, but you’re going to have to get your Britney Spears dates somewhere else.

Of course, fighting terrorism is everybody’s responsibility. That is why we’re calling on each and every user to report any unusual activity to our Webmaster, such as those using assumed names and are only interested in the middle part of the itineraries for Ugly Cassanova and Corey Feldman Band, but have no interest in either the start or finish. That person on your left, for instance.

We’re not going to lie to you. Purging’s user ranks of known and potential terrorists is not going to happen overnight. It’s going to take patience, diligence and a keen eye to spot those who would interrupt our freedom to view the dates for George Winston or Jimmie’s Chicken Shack, anytime, anyplace, anywhere. It’s going to take polygraph tests, handwriting analysis, urine tests and loyalty oaths before we can root out those who threaten our way of life.

But if we all work together, watch each other’s neighbors and keep track of each other’s comings and goings, we will definitely pay the price of freedom. The bottom line? Watch the skies, watch your neighbors, and most importantly, watch yourselves!