Don’t think we didn’t consider it. After all, many corporations are moving their operations offshore to take advantage of island tax havens, and if the truth be told, the IRS has nickeled and dimed us to death ever since we raised our rates for displaying tour info for such acts as and Delirious? by .32135 of a penny per click. But move offshore and keep all that cash for ourselves? No way.

For you see, it’s the dynamics of the situation. Our accountants figured that we could shave approximately .00031 of a penny from our operating costs for every click on Asleep At The Wheel and Moonraker if we were to relocate offshore. Added to that is the .00091 of a penny that we’d save every hour if we reduced the amount of electricity consumed by flashing banner ads, as well as the associated artists lists for Jackpot, Mary J. Blige and John Tesh. So, it wasn’t like we weren’t tempted. No, sir.

However, saving money can be trickier than keeping the thermostats set at 78 degrees or hiring R. Kelly to baby-sit. We had to consider the .03121 of a cent expended on every HTML link as well as the .1431 of a cent spent for every person who uses our custom site especially created for left-handed concert fans. Although such reductions in expenses could theoretically alter the bottom line when it came to sorting the dates for Young Dubliners and Dan Hicks & The Hot Licks, we still weren’t satisfied that moving to an island paradise, where we could bask in the sun while waiters brought us wickedly intoxicating drinks with little umbrellas sticking out of them, was well worth the time and effort.

But cutting back on expenses was only 50 percent of the equation, while the other two-thirds – performance and number of bytes transmitted per second – made up the remaining half. We ran various tests involving itineraries for Addison Groove Project, George Winston and Gipsy Kings and realized that there was anywhere between a .039211 and a .032931 per second difference between transmitting tour info from our home base in Fresno, CA, and sending the same information from Bermuda. Unless, of course, we located our base of operations on the eastern side of the island, then the difference would vary by about .0001211.

So, you can forget what you heard about moving to some offshore tax haven like Bermuda. We’re staying right here in Fresno, where we’ll raise our kids, list schedules like BR549 and No Doubt, and bail each other out of jail. Because, as any fool can see, when it comes to moving our concert database to an offshore tax haven, the numbers just won’t add up.