“There you go again, Smith, wanting the government to solve all your problems. You know as well as I do that when ticket scalping is illegal only scalpers will have tickets.”

“Maybe so, Wesson, but I can’t help but think the world would be a much better place if we could get all the tickets we want at reasonable prices. A well-ticketed society is a polite society.”

“Cheer up, Smith. After all, think of the ones less fortunate than yourself. They don’t have tickets for O.A.R., Guttermouth or Aerosmith, nor do they have any guns like a Browning automatic rifle, or a Walther PPK for when they dress up for a night on the town.”

“You’re absolutely right, Wesson. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are to live in this country. Well, I can see we’ve run out of time. I’m Smith.”

“And I’m Wesson.”

“And that’s tonight’s show about concerts.”

“And guns!”

“And remember, folks, stand up for your concertutional rights. There’s a lot of people out there who want to keep good concerts like Ozzfest from playing in your town.”

“Or they want to limit you to one gun purchase a month.”

“When that happens around here, do you know what I tell them? I say, ‘You can have my Strokes tickets…'”

“When you pry them from my cold, dead hands.”

“Goodnight, everybody!”