If it’s not one thing it’s another. You would think that working in an environment where you’re constantly surrounded by tour data, like the latest tour for Fountains Of Wayne or the new dates for Neil Diamond and Tool, would be like getting paid to go to Heaven. But, oh, no. Our workers want more than a decent, five-figure weekly salary, free medical, dental and mental as well as a generous retirement plan that includes a burial plot in the courtyard. They want a little something extra in their employee-employer relationship with this company.
That’s right. They want perks.
And we really can’t blame them. Pleasant working conditions, free sex therapy and one bartender per every three workers only goes so far when your nose is scraping against the proverbial grindstone pounding dates for Throwdown, Jagermeister Club Tour and Smooth Jazz Christmas into the famed Pollstar.com database. Make no mistake about it. Our workers process hard and they play hard, but sometimes they need a little extra incentive. A little extra Cheez Wiz on the metaphorical carrot dangling in front of them as they slam date after date for tour after tour.
And we like to give it to them. From the personal refrigerators/Beer Meisters built into every workstation to the trail of fresh rose petals that guides each employee from the parking lot to their cubicles, this company spares no expense when it comes to our workers’ comfort. Yes, Pollstar.com workers are happy workers, flesh and blood smiley faces who spend each day updating the schedules for acts like Curtis Salgado and Shaking Tree, and do it all with a song in their hearts and a smile upon their lips.
But lately our workers have been complaining about various aches and pains which led us to suspect that their cubicles were less than ergonomically correct for processing the new tour for The Hope Conspiracy or crafting the schedules for Elf Power and Charlie Mars Band. Backache, headache, sphincterache, the list of complaints grew, and being the epitome of perfect management that we are, we just had to do something about it.
So we replaced each employee’s chair with a custom-built, triple-padded throne that perfectly supports the body in every conceivable position no matter if their proofing the routings for John Sebastian and Natalie MacMaster, or alphabetizing the cities for Jazz Is Dead, Kittie and Superjoint Ritual. What’s more, each chair doubles as a high-tech, personal comfort unit, with thousands of tiny servos that massage each aching muscle, knead every inflamed joint and rub the poor, stress-laden shoulders of our employees while they slave away bringing you the up-to-date concert info that this site is famous for.
Now you would think that with all this extra comfort our employees would stop griping about the working conditions. You would think they would lighten up with their complaints while working with the listings for Lou Rawls or The Motet. But nooooo! No matter how well the chairs sooth their bodies, they’re still griping, grumbling and grousing while they maintain the schedules for No Doubt, Peter Himmelman and Liquid Soul. Can you believe that? We gave each one of them the best all-around electronic massage chairs available, and they’re still complaining about “substandard” working conditions.
For it seems that they have to reach around too far to put their quarters in the slot. Sheesh. Sometimes you just can’t please anyone.