Yes, the famous mascot is missing. We arrived at work earlier this week, all set to update the schedules for Joe Cocker and Queens Of The Stone Age, only to find our little pal had been stolen. Needless to say, we were panic stricken.

“Who could have done such an evil deed?” we cried out in amazement, for our mascot was the most loveable creature in the concert business. From his long snout to his naked tapered tail, not only did he embody the true spirit of, but he was our goodwill ambassador as well. Whether he was greeting the crowds at a John Tesh concert or serving as an usher at Gwen & Gavin’s wedding, wherever our little buddy traveled, the word quickly passed that was in the house.

As soon as we realized our friend and companion was missing we spread the word immediately. We plastered his face on milk cartons and notified all the big tours, like The Rolling Stones and . We thought we had found him when Pat Martino called us and said he saw someone at his last show that matched the description, including the donkey-like ears and the tough skin covering his body. But he soon called us back and said he was mistaken. As it turned out, it wasn’t our mascot that he saw backstage that night. It was the promoter.

Now everyone here is sad. We miss the tubular-toothed little guy who always did a funny little dance whenever we received new dates for artists like Dan Bern or prog-rock groups like Yes. And when we think about how he would use those powerful front legs, each one armed with four strong claws on each forefoot, to dig into the Fresno soil for termites and Winger dates, more than a single tear falls from our grieving eyes.

But we’ll find our mascot. Not only have we called the local police, but we have contacted the FBI, CIA, HOB and HBO as well. We’ll search the four corners of the world for the evil masterminds that stole our little friend with the arched back, droopy eyelids and long lashes. Our hunt will not cease until we bring the diabolical ruffians to justice. Those manic mascot kidnappers, those sadistic torturers of the soul, those psychotic robbers of happiness, those… those…

Those raiders of the lost aardvark.