For you see, we convinced management to spend the big bucks and spring for a high-end productivity software package that should cut our data processing time by 50 percent when it comes to prepping dates for acts like Art Garfunkel or Joe Cocker. And like any complicated software product, the learning curve is a bit steep. However, we’re sure the time spent will be well worth the effort and help this company prosper in the years to come. Or like Ol’ Abe Lincoln once said, “If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.”

So in between entering dates for Riddlin Kids or updating the schedules for Mudvayne and Sing-Sing, all of our employees are taking special classes so that they may utilize the new software to the max and take advantage of all the extra features it has to offer. After all, like Socrates once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

But what’s really nifty about this new software is its self-contained quote dictionary, allowing us to include famous quotations from the past that we can insert into the schedules for Rainer Maria, The Wallflowers and Shakira. In fact, that’s one of the reasons it’s so expensive. But that’s inflation for you. Or like Benjamin Franklin once said, “A nickel isn’t worth a dime these days.”

So we might make a few mistakes. However, rest assured, we’re double checking, and sometimes even triple-checking each and every itinerary, no matter if it’s for Peter Gabriel, Our Lady Peace or David Bowie, to make sure that all our operators are using the new software correctly. Sure, it gets a little old looking at the same schedules over and over again. In fact, it reminds us of the words of William Shakespeare, who once wrote, “It’s like déjà vu all over again.”

But aside from all the bells and whistles, do you know what we really like about this software?

It’s the only software package endorsed by Barbra Streisand.

Oh, and its spel cheker is pretty good, too.