That’s the question we’ve been hearing ever since we announced a rare job opening at They ask if it’s too late to fax their resumes. They want to know if we’re still conducting interviews. And they keep asking about that infamous drug test and whether it’s multiple choice or essay. Yes, it seems everyone wants to know about the open position at

To be honest, we never thought we’d go this long without filling the position. In fact, we were set to hire someone last week. Had, in fact, already instructed them on the ins and outs when it comes to entering dates for April Wine and Coco Montoya. But due to a sudden influx of suddenly unemployed job applicants, we’ve been forced to expand our human resources search in order to hire someone perfectly suited to handling tour schedules for Coldplay and Cowboy Junkies as well as clean the kitchen on Fridays and scrub out the restrooms every other first Monday of each month. After all, it is an entry-level position.

And they’re all very qualified applicants. Of course, government hiring regulations prevent us from asking them why they’re suddenly out of work. Maybe it’s the economy. Maybe it’s corporate scandals. Or maybe it’s their personal hygiene habits that have knocked them out of the work force and into those long lines at the unemployment office. No matter, for each one is perfectly qualified to work at and manage the itineraries for James Taylor and Def Leppard, not to mention the additional dates for Ari Hest, Blue Dogs and Northstar. Of course, those who have their own toilet brushes definitely have a step up on the competition.

What to do? All of these suddenly out-of-work candidates bring with them the perfect skills to process routings for Ben Folds and Kool Keith. We wish we could hire all of them, but we have only one opening, and federal tour date processing regulations require us to be an equal opportunity employer. That’s right. We have quotas to fill in order for the workforce to remain an honest sampling of the concert-going public. So, if you’re one of the people who suddenly found themselves unemployed within the last week, we’re really sorry. We wish we could help you.

But we’ve already filled our quota of Democrats for this year. You might want to try us again in 2004