“No, sir. Not that Johnny. Johnny in the mailroom. You know, the college grad you hired last week?

“Please hear me out. Listen, sir, I think I’ve got this whole Axl mess figured out. That’s right. I know how we can save our butts and come out on top.

“The way I see it, is that we forget about the band. That’s history. Instead, we focus on Axl as a solo performer. That’s right. No band, just Axl.

“Uh? No, sir. Forget about Buckethead. I’m talking about Axl. Here’s my plan. We send Axl out on tour with one of the biggest female stars of all time. Think of it. You pair one of the sweetest lady performers of all time with one of rock’s most notorious bad boys. It’s balance, it’s tension, it’s Yin and Yang. The fans will eat it up.

“Who? No, not Celine Dion. Besides, she’s committed to her Vegas appearances. But you’re on the right track, sir.

“What? No, sir. I said to forget about Buckethead. What we want to do is set up a co-headline between Axl and one of the greatest ladies ever to step out on the concert stage. No, not Cher. She’s got her own tour. Besides, I’ve got someone bigger in mind.

“Look, sir, would you forget about Buckethead, already. What I’m talking about is putting Axl in a co-headline tour with someone legendary. Someone who’s had a string of hits. Big hits. Classic hits. Someone who personifies elegance and class. You know, like Sinead O’Connor or Bonnie Raitt, but bigger.

“Please, sir, forget about Buckethead. Focus on the lady. We’ll combine the lady’s style and grace with Axl’s in-your-face, Welcome To The Jungle attitude. That’s right. Now you’re getting it. Attitude, the tour will be nothing but attitude. We won’t be able to sell tickets fast enough.

“What’s that? No, sir. No Buckethead. Just Axl and the diva. So, what do you say, sir? Do you want to make concert history?

“What? Well, if you insist, we can put Buckethead in the opening slot. And I suppose we can rotate The Breeders, Disturbed and Insane Clown Posse in the middle position. Well? How about it? Do I have a green light?

“That’s great, sir. You won’t regret it. Just remember me next year when you’re counting the box office grosses for the biggest tour of all time. Just remember that it was me, Johnny in the mailroom, who dropped this fantastic package right in your lap. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of everything.

“However, there is one, small problem, sir.

“I’ve been looking all over for Diana Ross’ phone number. I don’t suppose you have it in your private Rolodex, do you, sir? Sir? Sir??


“Hmmm… Maybe I should have put Buckethead in the middle slot.”