She blinked into our office just as we finished entering the dates for Ed Harcourt. “Quick,” she exclaimed. “You must post these dates for the Scorpions and Whitesnake co-headline on the Internet immediately.”

“Will publishing these dates improve the human concert condition?” we asked her. “Will it lower ticket prices in 2003? Reduce service charges? Ensure that Axl makes it to the show on time?”

“Ha!” she replied, clearly amused at our questions. “Easier to bring United Airlines back from bankruptcy. No, my simple friend from the past, posting this tour, along with these dates for The Saw Doctors and Faster Pussycat, won’t solve all the world’s problems, but it will help prevent the roadie rebellion of 2013, as well as the soundman scandals of 2021.”

“Soundman scandals?”

“Uh, uh,” she answered as she appraised our life-size foam sculpture of Yanni standing in the corner of our office. “In the year 2021 it will be revealed that concert soundboards only have two real controls – on and off – and all those extra knobs, sliders and switches aren’t connected to anything. It will be the biggest disillusionment to hit the collective pop psyche of the world since 2009 when the National Enquirer published photos of U.S. President Hilary Rosen shacking up with Shawn Fanning in a cheap hotel and downloading Metallica songs off of Kazaa.”

“President Hilary Rosen?” we asked in amazement. “Are you sure?”

“President or queen, or something,” she replied as she glanced at the papers on our desk. “What’s that?”

“That’s our figures on this year’s top grossing tours,” we told her. “We’re still trying to determine which tour made the most money.”

“Oh, yes, I remember,” she said as she looked over the numbers. “The great box office argument of 2002. Even in the future there’s still debate as to which tour came out on top.”


“There was controversy as to how the Florida figures were tabulated,” she said. “Chads, you know.”

“Chads?” You mean to tell us, that in the future you still have problems with hanging chads?”

“Not since the last week of 2002 when an angry Miami mob lynched three clerks from Chad’s Ticket Emporium for selling Rolling Stones tickets at 200 percent above box office.”

“Ouch!” we cried. “That is a bit steep. So, can you save us some time and tell us which tour was the top grosser for this year?”

“No can do,” she answered as she reached into her purse, pulled out her PDA and started punching in her time travel coordinates. “However, if you publish the dates for that co-headline featuring The Donnas and OK Go as well as the routing for Great White Feat. Jack Russell, I’ll tell you what the biggest tour will be in 2003.”

“Consider it done,” we said, anxious to have a leg up on the competition and know what the new year will bring. “What will be the biggest tour next year?”

“The Energizer Tour.”

“Energizer? Is that a new band?” we asked.

“No, silly,” she said as she vanished in a shimmer of light. “It’s the official name for the Trent Lott Apology Tour. It just keeps going and going and going.”