You’ve probably seen the stories that have appeared in USA Today, Newsweek and Penthouse Forum, claiming that exemplary academic performance is not enough to work for this company, and that all employment applications are “weighted” as to whether or not applicants are fans of The String Cheese Incident, George Winston or Melanie C. Furthermore, these same media reports claim that scholastic underachievers who are also fans of Twisted Sister or Insane Clown Posse have a better chance of gaining employment than those who racked up perfect scores on their Scholastic Aptitude Touring Tests. Let us assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, academic accomplishments are important. However, when you consider that this company is headquartered in Fresno, California, otherwise known as the “brain trust of the western hemisphere,” it would be easy to populate our staff with only the best and the brightest tour date researchers.

But diversity is the key to successful tour data management, and it is just as important to employ fans of all major genres, including Rock, Country, R&B, Hip Hop and Polka, as it is to have those who graduated at the top of their respective high school classes. You know the ones we’re talking about. Those braniacs who sat next to you in high school, the ones who didn’t know the difference between Yanni and Rick Wakeman, and always demanded that the teacher assigned more homework at the end of the day. Do you really want your favorite concert info Web site manned by those pocket-protector geeks? Of course not.

That is why we look at more than just academic excellence when considering job candidates. While we do favor scholastic overachievers, we also take into account how many Pearl Jam shows one has seen, as well as how many Metallica T-shirts one owns and whether or not the applicant can recite the lyrics to the entire Bob Dylan songbook.

In conclusion, we have to maintain certain standards if we’re going to continue to present the diversity in tour schedules, such as the routings for Avril Lavigne, Tim McGraw and Fritz’s Polka Band, that this Web site is known for. And it pains us to have to turn away those who have made working for this company their life’s goal. We’d love to hire everyone who applies, but certain standards must be met.

And what about those who worked, saved, and studied so that one day they too could wear the blazer and beanie, yet failed to achieve employment because they didn’t like Tower Of Power or were not a fan of Tori Amos or R.E.M.? What happens to them?

They’ll just have to settle for the University of Michigan.