“Honey! Wake up, Hawkeye!”

“Huh? Wassamatta?”

“I don’t know, Hawkeye, but it sounded like you were having a bad dream.”

“I was. A real doozy of nightmare.”

“You want to talk about it, dear?”

“I dreamed I was back in Korea. Back at the old 4077.”

“You mean that M.A.S.H. unit where we met fifty years ago?”

“Uh, uh. And Frank and Hot Lips were in charge.”

“No wonder you were screaming, dear. That sounds like one heckuva nightmare.”

“Oh, it was, it was. Inspections every morning, followed by fifty-mile hikes. And to top it off, they made Trapper and me throw out our still.”

“Well, it’s only a dream, Hawkeye. Go back to sleep, dear.”

“But I can’t sleep. That nightmare left me wide awake.”

“Then do what I do when I can’t sleep.”

“What’s that?”

“I think about the tours.”


“You know, the tours. Like the Dave Matthews Band playing two nights at the new soccer stadium in Los Angeles.”

“Soccer stadium? Oh, you must mean the Office Depot Center.”

“Right. Or Mark Knopfler playing at Radio City Music Hall in June.”

“Knopfler? The guy who was in Dire Straits?”

“That’s right, Hawkeye. You see, whenever I have problems sleeping I always run the big tours through my mind, like matchbox twenty, Ozzfest 2003 and Vans Warped Tour. I picture all those dates, cities and venues, and, before you know it, I’m sleeping like a baby.”

“Are you’re sure that will work?”

“I know it will work, dear. Now, think of one of your favorite acts, like Def Leppard or Bozo Porno Circus.”


“Now, picture the routings in your mind.”

“Lessee. Def Leppard.. Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Cleveland. Hey, you’re right. I’m feeling drowsy already.”

“I knew you would, dear. And when you finish with that itinerary, there’s plenty more to count, like James Taylor, Neil Young and that Justin Timberlake / Christina Aguilera co-headline.”

“You were right, honey. I feel totally relaxed.”

“That’s my Hawkeye. Just keep counting those tours, and before you know it, you’ll be drifting off to dreamland.”

“Okay. I just hope I don’t have any more nightmares about Korea.”

“You won’t. But even if you do, Korea wasn’t that bad. After all, that’s where we met. And if we had never met, we would have never had fifty wonderful years together.”

“Well, now that you put it that way, I guess dreaming about the old M.A.S.H. unit isn’t so bad after all.”

“That’s the spirit, dear. Goodnight, Hawkeye.”

“Uh uh. Goodnight, Radar.”