Of course, it would be easy to scribble off a quick answer on yesterday’s cocktail napkin, scan it, and then send it to inquiring minds. Answers like “Money,” “Tom Scholz doesn’t like you,” and “He’s nuts” may seem like obvious responses, but more often than not questions such as these only brush the surface of what’s wrong in society, and as tour date researchers it is our job to dig deeper than most Web sites in pursuit of the truth.

But we are not immune to such questions. It’s not uncommon to see one of our researchers, after gathering dates for War or updating schedules for k.d. lang or Rosanne Cash, huddling in a fetal position in the restroom and banging his or her head on the cold linoleum floor asking the same questions that are emailed to us each and every day. “Why?” Thump! “Why?” Thump! Thump! “In heaven’s name, why?” Thump! Thump! Thump! Clearly something is wrong.

However, experience has taught us that the answers to the important questions can often be obtained by a thorough reading of new tour schedules. Why is our country on the brink of war? An in-depth analysis of the routing for the Charlie Daniels Band quickly answers that question. Why are budget deficits good? Motorhead and Leftover Salmon make the answer seem as simple as the question. Why is Hollywood remaking Willard, and why is Crispin Glover the star? Sorry, we don’t have all the answers.

But we have most of them. In fact, we have a dedicated team of researchers who answer every inquiry received, men and women whose only goal in life, aside from collecting a paycheck and making it to Hooters in time for happy hour, is to respond to questions which only the dates for The Cramps or Chris Isaak can answer. It’s not an easy job, but… well, you know.

So, keep sending in those cards and letters. Go ahead and ask about Morgan Heritage’s relationship to global warming, why the itineraries for The Ataris and Johnny Marr & The Healers help prevent acid rain and why Phil Spector walks free among us as the Bobby Blakes of this world sit in windowless cells proclaiming their innocence while at the same time are denied the Grecian Formula they so desperately need. We have the answers, tons of them, and all you need do is ask, “Why?”

However, don’t even think of asking why Axl Rose’s record label has waited ten years for the next Guns N’ Roses album. There are some answers that the world can’t handle. At least, not yet.