“Superman! Long time, no see. How’s it going?”

“Er. Not to well, Batman.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“It’s Lois, Batman. Lately, I just can’t figure her out.”

“Oh? How so?”

“For example. Last week was our anniversary, and I had it all planned out – dinner for two at one of Metropolis’ finest restaurants followed by primo seats for Pearl Jam, but…”

“Lemme guess. There was some big catastrophe and you had to save the day.”

“You nailed it, Batman. I ended up flying out of there before Idlewild finished their warm-up set. Boy, was she ticked.”

“You did make it up to her, didn’t you?”

“Oh, sure. I squeezed a lump a coal into a diamond.”

“And that didn’t work?”

“Nah. She just tossed it into the closet with the rest of them. Said every time we make plans to see a concert, something comes up. If we buy tickets for Iron Maiden, it’s a bank robbery. If it’s Arrested Development and B2K, earthquakes and hurricanes. If it’s Yanni, it’s alien invaders from outer space. Sometimes I just can’t win.

“I hear you. It’s not easy being a superhero in the 21st century.”

“But that ain’t the half of it, Batman. Of the shows we do make it to, she’s gripin’ about the seats.”


“Uh, uh. I buy her 10th row seats for Dixie Chicks, she asks how come Green Lantern got 5th row. If we have first row for Metallica, she wants to know how Wonder Woman got backstage passes. I’m telling you, there’s just no pleasing that woman, Batman.”

“Sounds to me like you have to pay more attention to Lois, Superman.”

“But fighting for truth, justice and the American way is a 24/7 job, Batman. I mean, I always make it up to her. I flew her to Tahiti when we missed seeing Paul McCartney. However, that’s when I had to leave early to take care of Mr. Mxyztplk.”

“Mr. Mxyztplk? You mean that mischievous imp from the fifth dimension? Who can only be sent back to where he came from by tricking him into saying his own name backwards? And he was here on Earth spreading his own unique brand of mayhem?”

“That’s the one.”

“So that’s how Kelly Osbourne got her record contract.”

“See how it is, Batman? It’s not like I haven’t been busy. But does she understand? Heck, no. She expects me to buy her tickets for every show that comes to Metropolis, no matter if it’s Lollapalooza or Sheryl Crow. Like, who does she think I am?”

“Now, now, Superman.”

“I mean, I’m the Man of Steel, not the head of Clear Channel Entertainment.”

“Take it easy, Superman. Relax. I’m sure Lois will come around.”

“It’s too late for that Batman. She walked out on me this morning. Said she’s going to see Radiohead and Neil Young with that speedster from Central City.”

“The Flash? Well I wouldn’t let that worry me, Superman.”

“Oh? And why is that, Batman?”

“Well, according to Wonder Woman, there’s a reason he’s called The Flash. And it ain’t for running.”

“Uh? Ohhhh…”