Here we are on another Friday with more news stories than we have space to print. Our reporters have been operating under deep cover, gathering facts and collecting devious tales of innuendo guaranteed to blast the sordid underbelly of the music industry wide open. All of these stories deserve your attention, but which one to print? It’s a decision of Solomon-like proportions that cannot be determined by the mere flip of a borrowed coin.

Like our planned report on the major stars of country music who secretly wish they were members of Metallica, and how they hold clandestine parties in Nashville where they doff their cowboy hats, don their leather and play air-guitar to “Enter Sandman.” However, their lawyers got wind of our plans and sent us a nasty letter. That is, right after they kidnapped our mother just to prove that they meant business.

Then there was the story about an unidentified member of the Dixie Chicks who’s secretly a closet Republican. We lost more than a few reporters investigating that one. Not to mention the security guard we found in the back parking lot, bloodied and beaten, with the message “Don’t mess with Natalie,” burned onto his chest with a laser pointer.

Of course, there were other stories. Like the in-depth job we prepped on how members of The White Stripes and 3 Doors Down conspired to break Barry Manilow’s nose and make it look like an accident. Or how some of the top executives at the major record labels were secretly addicted to Kazaa. In fact, we had so many stories we wanted to print today, that we had a very difficult time choosing which one to present in this meager space our editors allow us. After all, bytes don’t grow on trees.

Which news report should it be? Well, after countless meetings over unlimited donuts and endless margaritas, we decided to go with our top story. A story that exposes the decadence and depravity that lies deep beneath the fa├žade of happiness and joy that the public often sees as being synonymous with the modern music industry. A tale of corruption, perdition, destruction and sedition involving the people that call the shots when it comes to the careers of big name acts, like The Human League and Prong, that it is guaranteed to make headlines across the world. A tale so sordid, so squalid and disgusting that other publications, such as The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal and Hustler, would not dare print it. A story so evil, so horrible, so nauseating and repelling, that we’re putting our journalistic reputations on the line just by describing it.

And we’d love to tell you all about it, but we’ve run out of space. Maybe next week