“Ticket, please.”

“Wait a second. Before I hand you my ticket, I need to ask you a few questions.”

“Such as?”

“Are you going to pat me down?”


“You know? Are you going to frisk me for illegal weapons or contraband? They frisked me last week when I went to the Dixie Chicks show.”

“No, I’m not going to frisk you. Ticket, please.”

“Then what about running that wand all over my body?”

“Uh? What wand?”

“You know, the wand they use to search for metal objects. They used the wand on me last month when I saw Pearl Jam. Made all the hairs on my body stand up on end.”

“Nope. ‘Fraid not. No wand here. Ticket, please.”

“Then what about my shoes?”


“That’s right. Shoes. They made me take off my shoes when I saw Neil Young and Violent Femmes. Then they examined each foot, even felt between my toes. You know, just to make sure I wasn’t carrying anything illegal.”

“No, you can leave you’re shoes on. Ticket, please. “

“Oh, I get it. You’re going to strip search me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Strip search. That’s what they did when I saw the Joe Jackson Band. They led me into a room, made me take off my clothes and then they searched every inch of my body.”

“No, we don’t do that here. Ticket -“

“Oh, yeah, right. I’ve heard that before. They said that when I went to see Capleton. Right before they inserted the probe.”

“No, I just want your tic… What probe?”

“You know, the probe you guys use for the cavity search. They also used a probe when I saw Those Peabodys and Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. A big one. Longer than Barry Bond’s baseball bat and twice as wide.”

“Er… yeah, we’ll, we don’t have any of those… things. Just give me your ticket, and -“

“Wait a second. Do you mean to tell me that you’re not going to frisk me for controlled substances or paraphernalia?”

“That’s right. All I want you to do is hand me your ticket.”

“And you’re not going to make me disrobe, then stand up against the wall while you run your hands up and down my body looking for illegal weapons?”

No. No strip search, either.”

“And you’re not going to check out my feet for explosives, or administer the probe to ensure that I’m not trying to sneak any food into the place?”

“Would you forget about it? I told you, we don’t do that here. No frisk, no strip, no wand, no probe. Got it? I just want your ticket.”

“Well, in that case, I just have one thing to say.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“I want my money back.”