“What’s the matter, Horace?”

“It’s my underwear, Zelda. I don’t think I’ll have enough underwear to last through the summer concert season.”

“But I thought I bought plenty of underwear for you last spring.”

“So did I, but I’ve already used up most of it. After all, we did see Bon Jovi, Eagles and Fleetwood Mac.”

“Plus 50 Cent, The White Stripes, Dixie Chicks and Jason Mraz. You’re right, Horace. That’s a lot of shows.”

“And a lot of underwear. Plus, we have yet to see R. Kelly, Vonda Shepard and Billy Bob Thornton this summer. That’s going to take way more underwear than we planned for.”

“Well, let’s look at the schedule, Horace. Now, what do you plan on wearing for Steely Dan and Hot Hot Heat?”

“Why, my silk boxer shorts, of course.”

“And Marshall Crenshaw, Radiohead and Peter Frampton?”

“My 100-percent cotton jockeys.”

“Hmmm… Have you ever considered recycling your underwear?”

“You mean, wash my underwear and wear them again? Like when we go to see David Bowie or Boston?”

“Yeah, wouldn’t that work?”

“I don’t know, Zelda. After all, my mother always said, ‘never go to a concert in previously worn underwear. You never know what might happen.'”

“I gotta admit, Horace, she does have a point.”

“Yeah, but even Mom never went to an event like The Rolling Stones concert in Toronto where they’re going to have over 10 different bands and artists. And when you consider that I’ll have to change my underwear every time a new act takes the stage, well, you get the picture.”

“I guess you’re right, Horace. You don’t have enough underwear to make it through the summer concert season. Wait a sec. Have you ever thought of buying extra underwear from the underwear venders at the show? After all, we always see plenty of underwear venders hanging around outside all of the big concerts, like Eric Clapton or Nelly.”

“Yeah, I know. However, you never know where that underwear has been when you buy from those people. I’ve learned from experience, Zelda. Always wear your own underwear when you go to a concert.”

“Then, what are you going to do? Hey, wait a minute. I’ve got it!”

“What, Zelda?”

“Well, let’s say you wear your boxer shorts to see Built To Spill.”


“Then, when you go to see Anthrax on the next night, simply turn your underwear around.”

“You mean, wear the same underwear backwards?”

“Sure. That way we’ll be able to see twice as many shows using only half as much underwear. Plus, you’ll satisfy your mom. After all, how can they be ‘previously worn’ if you don’t take them off?”

“Hmmm… I don’t know, Zelda. That sounds pretty desperate.”

“Desperate times…”

“Call for desperate measures. You know, that just might work, Zelda. But I won’t be sure unless I count all of my underwear. You know, just to make sure. Lessee, now where was I? Oh yeah. 58… 59… 60…”

“Can’t you do that later, Horace? You’re going to make us late for the Keb’ Mo’ concert tonight.”

“It won’t take me that long, Zelda. Besides, I’m wearing my jockeys tonight.”

“Your jockeys? You mean?”

“That’s right. I’ll be brief.”