“What? You want to negotiate? Ha! You people make me sick. Downloading songs by The Rolling Stones and Mariah Carey, sharing CDs by Hot Hot Heat, Coldplay and Steve Winwood. I’m telling you, every time I hear one of you thieves moanin’ about how music should be free. I wanna put you in a room with Lars Ulrich , then lock the door and throw away the key. What’s that? You didn’t do it? Yeah, right. A likely story.

“Listen, bub. I’ve been dealing with scum like you all day. Copyright perps like you saying things like, ‘I didn’t know all those songs were on there,’ and ‘I just pay for the Internet access, I don’t actually use the computer,’ and ‘Liberals must have broken into my home and used my computer while I was at work.’ Yeah, I heard them all.

“Uh? What’s that? Your son must have done it? Doesn’t matter. It’s still your name on the account. Now, listen up and listen good, mister. Stealing songs by major label artists like Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers and Cher is a disease and the RIAA is the cure. You, your son and all your file-swapping, scum-of-the-earth friends are going to pay for messing with the recording industry. You are going down!

“What’s that? How much will it cost to put this all behind us? Lessee… We know that you have over 1,572,495 songs available for download on your hard drive. At $150,000 per song that comes to… carry the two… $235,874,250,000. Now, will that be cash, check or charge?

“Uh? What do you mean you don’t have that kind of money? You should have thought of that before you let the boy use the computer without supervision. You should have thought of that before the boy started ripping off the major record companies. If you had thought of all of this before you let the kid commit grand larceny against the record companies by downloading free copies of songs by Nelly, Iron Maiden, and Jason Mraz, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, now, would we? But, do you know what you’re biggest mistake was?

“That’s right. You should have never fought me for custody of the boy during our divorce proceedings. Uh? Well, same to you!”


“Man, how I love this job.”